The Best Jokes!

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her
ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together
at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

"Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could
relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.

"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man
replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still
clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however,
he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid
them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She
administered tender an artful massage for several long moments and
asked, "How does that feel?"

He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell!"

One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to Heaven and meets the Lord Himself. The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let me know." The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor." The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and a wonderful fluffy pillow appears. A few days later 6 mice are killed in a tragic farming accident and go to Heaven. Again, the Lord is there to greet them with the same offer. The mice answer, "All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. We are tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so we don't have to run any more?" The Lord says, "Say no more," and fits each mouse with a beautiful pair of roller skates. About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you have been here?" The cat stretches and yawns and replies, "It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those Meals on Wheels you have been sending by are the best!!

I remember when...

....twenty white guys chasing a black guy was called the Klu Klux Klan.

Now it's called Formula One

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw ! Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful."

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "Arthritis."

Jesus said to John: "Come forth and thou shalt win eternal life"

But, John came fifth and only won a toaster.

Charles was celebrating his 90th birthday. He was well known for always being a bit of a ladies man. So his friends had clubbed together and found him a local prostitute. She arrived at Charles' front door and when CHarles opened it informed him that she was there to give him some super sex.

He replied that he would just take the soup

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" !
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?"
He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,
the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
"Where's my toast ?"

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her
ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together
at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

"Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could
relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.

"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man
replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still
clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however,
he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid
them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She
administered tender an artful massage for several long moments and
asked, "How does that feel?"

He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell!"

Hat tip LemLaurence

A young student from first grade tells his father what they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.

"Since Valentine's day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," he asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"

David's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," David says.

Why Osama Bin Laden," his father asks in shock.

"Well," David says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.

And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

His father's heart swells and he looks at his boy with new found pride. "David, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," David says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the crap out of him!"