The Best Jokes!

Maurice and his wife Esther went to the local air show every year, and every year Maurice would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter

Esther always replied, "I know Maurice, but that helicopter ride is £50. And £50 is £50".

One year when Esther and Maurice went to the air show, Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."Esther replied,"Maurice you know that helicopter ride is £50. And £50 is £50".

The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's £50 quid." Maurice and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Maurice and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

Maurice replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know £50 is £50...!"

Q: What's black and annoyed?

A: The reincarnation of Bernard Manning.

Paddy and Mick are walking down a street in London. Paddy happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye.

The sign said 'Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, Trousers £2.50 per pair'.

Paddy says to his pal, "Mick, look! We could buy a whole lot of dose, and when we get back to Ireland we could make a fortune. Now when we go into the shop, you be quiet, OK? Just let me do all the talking, cause if they hear our accent, they might not be nice to us. I'll speak in my best English accent."

"Roight y'are, Paddy, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will" replies Mick.

They go in and Paddy says, "I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2.00 each and 50 pairs of trousers at £2.50 each. I'll back up my van and..."

The owner of the shop interrupts, "You're from Ireland, aren't you?"

"Well... yes", says a surprised Paddy. "How der hell d' y' know dat?"

The owner replied, "This is a dry cleaners."

Idle Thoughts....

Canada has two seasons. Winter and Construction.

I used to be sane. I got better.

It's not whether you win or lose. It's whether *I* win or lose.

Make money fast: don't give it any food.

On the other hand... you have different fingers.

A true friend sees you make a fool of yourself and knows it's not permanent.

Bull behind a tapestry: you can't see the taurus for the frieze.

Yes, I get funny looks. I like funny looks.

A smile is a curve that can set a whole lot of things straight.

Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.

A belly button is for salt when you eat celery in bed.

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

Ability is a good thing but stability is even better.

Air is water with holes in it.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?

All I ask is to prove that money can't make me happy.

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

Are dog biscuits made from collie flour?

Cats took many thousands of years to domesticate humans.

Consider what might be fertilizing the greener grass across the fence.

Death is the one experience that we cannot put in perspective afterwards.

Death and taxes are inevitable; at least death doesn't get worse every year.

Defeat is worse than death because you have to live with defeat.

Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

Diplomacy: Saying "go to hell" such that they look forward to the trip.

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Don't undertake vast projects with half-vast ideas.

Don't laugh. It could happen.

Don't you hate it when life doesn't follow the manuals?

Everything in moderation, including moderation.

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

Fools rush in -- and get the best seats in the house.

Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Hospitality: Making your guests feel at home, even though you wish they were.

How many weeks are there in a light year?

I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.

I used to be lost in the shuffle. Now I just shuffle along with the lost.

I will always love the false image I had of you.

If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?

In 1869 the waffle iron was invented for people who had wrinkled waffles.

It doesn't matter whether you win or lose -- until you lose.

Life is like an analogy.

Maintain thy airspeed, lest the ground rise up and smite thee.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Most of us hate to see a poor loser. Rich winners, though, are worse.

Nobody can be just like me. Even I have trouble.

The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.

They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.

This sentence contradicts itself: no, wait, actually it doesn't.

While money doesn't buy love, it puts you in a great bargaining position.

Why don't "minimalists" find a shorter name for themselves?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Recently, a large corporation hired several cannibals to increase their Diversity, "You are all part of our team now," said theHuman Resources Rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but DO NOT eat any employees."

The cannibals promised they would not.

Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your work. We have noticed a marked increase in the whole company's performance. However, one of our secretaries as disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"

The cannibals all shook their heads, "No."

After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand rose hesitantly. "You fool!" the leader continued. "For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything. But NOOOooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something!

After boasting to her mother about how great she was at doing handstands, Susan was advised not to practise it in her new school friends since her underwear is usually exposed.

Susan was proud at her achievement after her first day and was eager to tell Mum about the great audience of boys she attracted at school when showing off her skills.

Mother reminded her about exposing her panties of which Susan replied, "No Mum they were not seeing my panties."

"How come sweetie?", said Mum.

"Because I took them off Mum." she replied.

Before you attempt to carry out a procedure on your car using the Haynes manual the following glossary of terms may be useful.


Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise.

Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with a hammer.

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start. Now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.

Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (giant economy size).

Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: PINGGGG - "Where the hell did that go?"

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part (and maybe a plaster or two).

Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing, then clamp with molegrips, then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it.

Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken, it's about to be. Don't say we didn't warn you.

Haynes: One spanner rating.
Translation: An infant could do this... so how did you manage to **** it up?

Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, teensy weensy number... but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).

Haynes: Three spanner rating.
Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days.

Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You're not seriously considering this are you?

Haynes: Five spanner rating.
Translation: OK - but don't ever carry your loved ones in it again.

Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on it, throw it at the garage wall, then find some molegrips and a hammer...

Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at it really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"

Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to suffer deep abrasions.

Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: Yeah, right. But you swear in different places.

Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...

Haynes: Using a suitable drift...
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: RAC Card & Mobile Phone

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother. Alternatively, clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book, bar what you need to do.

A friend of mine appears to have been kidnapped. He was last seen being dragged out of a bar and into a dark lane by a man in leather trousers. We have managed to re-trace his movements up to a point.

Apparently after a long meeting in London he was feeling very thirsty. He spotted a bar and popped in for a quick pint. The place was very crowded and he was having difficulty squeezing past the bar.

He asked a guy at the bar: "do you mind if I push your stool in a couple if inches."

Turns out it was a gay bar.

A young boy went up to his father and asked: "What is the difference
between potentially and realistically?"

The father pondered for a while, then answered: "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Also, ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you have learned."

So the boy went to his mother and asked: "Mum, would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?"
The mother replied: "Of course I would. I wouldn't pass up an opportunity like that."

The boy then went to his sister and said: "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The girl replied: "Oh gosh!! I would just love to do that! I would have to be nuts to pass up that opportunity!!".

The boy then thought about it for two or three days and went back to his dad. His father asked him: "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The boy replied, "Yes, potentially we're sitting on two million dollars, but realistically we're living with two slappers."

THE BIRTH ORDER OF CHILDREN
Your Clothes:
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
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Preparing for the Birth:
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.
___________________________________
The Layette:
1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
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Worries:
1st baby: At the first sign of distress-a whimper,
a frown-you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails
threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how
to rewind the mechanical swing.
___________________________________
Pacifier:
1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor,
you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.
2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor,
you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.
___________________________________
Diapering:
1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour,
whether they need it or not.
2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours,
if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.
___________________________________
Activities:
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics,
Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket
and the dry cleaner.
___________________________________
Going Out:
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter,
you call home five times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call
only if she sees blood or fire.
___________________________________
At Home:
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day
just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day
hiding from the children.
___________________________________
Swallowing Coins:
1st child: When first child swallows a coin,
you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.
2nd child: When second child swallows a coin,
you carefully watch for the coin to pass.
3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance.