The Best Jokes!

1.. It is important to find a woman who cooks, cleans up and has a job.

2.. It is important to find a woman who can make you laugh.

3.. It is important to find a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4.. It is important to find a woman who makes you feel wonderful in bed and who likes to be with you.

5.. Lastly, it is very important that these four women don't know each other and never meet each other .

This morning on the way to work I rear-ended a car
at some lights whilst not really paying attention.
The driver got out.. he was a dwarf.

He said, "I'm not happy"...

I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"

A blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead sees her boyfriend buying her flowers.

The Redhead sighs and says: "Oh crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again."
The blonde looks quizzically at her and says: "You don't like getting flowers from your
boyfriend?"
The redhead replies: "I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."

The blonde says: ....."Don't you have a vase?"

Very Fishy

The Tale of Two Prawns...

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were
swimming around in the sea.

One called Justin and the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that
inhabited the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a
prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about
being eaten."

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted"

Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.

Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed and Justin found life as a shark
boring and lonely.

All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.

Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of
his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he
thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his
friends and bought them all a cocktail.

(The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).

Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal.

"Where's Christian?" he asked.

"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to
the enemy & became a shark", came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he
set off to Christian's abode.

As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.

He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend,
come out and see me again."

Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the
enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."

Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've
changed.".........



"I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian".

Did you hear about the man who took Viagra and a laxative at the same time?

He didn't know if he was coming or going.

There were these two guys in a bar, which was on the 20th floor of a building. The first man said " I bet you $100 I can jump out that window and come straight back in!" The second man says "Ok, sure." and the barman holds the bet. The first man jumps out the window and disappears for a second before jumping straight back in. Disappointed about losing the $100, the second man says: " I'll bet you another $100 you can't do it again." So the barman holds the bet. Sure enough, the first man jumps out the window, disappears for a second, then jumps straight back in. Thinking he must have caught a freak gust of wind, the second man says "Ok, I bet you $300 I can jump out the window and come straight back in." The first man says" Ok, sure." The second man jumps out the window and falls to the footpath below. He is dead. Back up in the bar, the barman says to the first man " Gee, you can be a bastard when you're pissed, Superman."

Marine Corp's General Reinwald was interviewed on the radio the other day and you have to read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children.

This is one of the best comeback linesof all time. It is a portion of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL REINWALD:Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended. You gotta love the Marines

HOW A 7 yr OLD KID EXPLAIN SEX

Little Johnny was 7 years old and likeother boys his age rather curious.
He had been hearing quite a bit about 'making out' from the older boys,
and he wondered what it was and how it was done.

One day he took his question to his mother, who became rather flustered.
Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains
one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend.
This he did.

The following morning, Johnny described EVERYTHING to his mother.

"Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off most of the lights.
Then he started kissing and hugging her. I figured 'Sis must be getting sick,
because her face started looking funny.
He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart,
just the way the doctor would. Except he's not as smart as the doctor because he
seemed to have trouble finding her heart. I guess he was getting sick too, because
pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath.
His other hand must have been cold because he put it under her skirt.
About this time 'Sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and
slide down toward the end of the couch.
This was when her fever started. I knew it was a fever, because Sis told him
she felt really hot.
Finally, I found out what was making them so sick......-a big eel had gotten inside
his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about
10 inches long, honest, anyway he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away.
When Sis saw it, she got really scared-her eyes got big, and her mouth
fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it
was the biggest one she's ever seen; I should tell her about the ones down at the lake
by our house!
Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of
a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he
took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting
again.
Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it and he
helped by lying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight.
Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch.
I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them.
After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got
up, and sure enough, they killed the eel. I knew because it just hung there, limp,
and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little
tired from the battle, but they went back to courting
anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasn't dead! It jumped
straight up and started to fight again.
I guess eels are like cats- they have nine lives or something. This time, Sis
jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it. After about a 35 minute
they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead, because I saw Sis's
boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet.

Two co-eds went to the movies one night. After 15 minutes passed, one girl leaned over and whispered to her friend, "What should I do? The guy sitting next to me is masturbating."

Her friend replied, "Don't do anything. Just ignore it."

The first girl said, "I can't."

Her friend, "Why can't you ignore it?"

The first one says, "Because he's using my hand!"

A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine.
Since the equipment arrived when his wife was at the shops, he decided to test it on himself first.
So, he inserted his "manhood" into the equipment, turned on the
switch and everything else was automatic.

The farmer quickly realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did. However when the fun was over to his horror he quickly realized that bhe couldn't remove the instrument.



He read the manual but didn't find any useful information on how to
disengage himself then tried every button on the instrument, but still
without success.

He decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line with
his mobile phone
"Er hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works
fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?"

"Don't worry about that Sir," replied the customer service rep, "The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons."