The Best Jokes!

A mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mum was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Maxwell House". Mum was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Maxwell House jar. It said, "good, till the last drop".
Mum blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Spain a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Benson & Hedges". Mum now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, she read from the B & H pack: "Extra Long. King Size". She was again slightly embarrassed, but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mum waited for a week nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then, after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it shaky words: "British Airways".

Mum took out her latest Country Life magazine, flipped through the pages, fearing the worst and finally and finally found the ad for the airline. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways".

Mum fainted.

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.
"Of course, my son," said the priest.

"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."

"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.

"It's worse, Father. I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic by giving me a little lovin' now and then," continued the old man.

"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk -- you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her. I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.

"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

The old man asked, "Do I have to tell her that the war is over?"

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"

The 3 Goldberg brothers, Norman, Hyman, and Max invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner.

On July 17th, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97. The 3 brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that 3 gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.

They persuaded him to get into the car which was about 130, then turned on the air-conditioner and cooled the car off immediately.

The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them 3 million dollars for the patent.

The brothers refused saying they would settle for 2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label "The Goldberg Air-Conditioner" on the dashboard of each car that it was installed in.

Now old man Ford was more than just a little bit Anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldbergs name on 2 million Ford cars.

They haggled back and forth for about 2 hours and finally agreed on 4 million dollars and that just their first names would be shown.

And so, even today, all Ford air-conditioners show on the controls, the names "Norm, Hi, & Max".

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

Man: "What sins?"

Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

Man: "I'm Jewish."

Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

Man: "I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody."

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now, The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to...'

"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good.
Did you know babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat" After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.

"This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look"

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too.
The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."

Mrs. Smith fainted

One day the Arkansas county sheriff sees Billy-Bob walking around town
with nothing on except his boots.

The sheriff says "Billy-Bob, what the hell are you doing walking around
town dressed like that?"

Billy-Bob replies "Well, Sheriff, me and MaryLou was down on the farm
and we started a-cuddlin.' MaryLou said we should go in the barn and we
did. Inside the barn we stated a kissing and a-cuddlin' some more and
things got pretty hot and heavy. Well, then MaryLou took off all her
clothes and said that I should do the same. So, I took off all my
clothes except my boots. Then MaryLou lay herself on the hay and said
'Okay Billy-Bob, lets go to town!' . . . I guess I'm the first one
here!"

Perfect breasts
(o)(o)

Fake silicone breasts
( + )( + )

Perky breasts
(*)(*)

Big nipple breasts
(@)(@)

A cups
o o

D cups
{ O }{ O }

Wonder bra breasts
(oYo)

Cold breasts
( ^ )( ^ )

Lopsided breasts
(o)(O)

Pierced Breasts
(Q)(O)

Hanging Tassels Breasts
(p)(p)

Grandma's Breasts
o / o /

Against The Shower Door Breasts
( )( )

Android Breasts
| o | | o |

1) Great..........................................Fa Kin Su Pah
2) Are you harbouring a fugitive..................Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP....................................Kum Hia Nao
4) Stupid Man.....................................Dum Fuk
5) Small Horse....................................Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the beach?.......................Wai Yu So Tan
7) I bumped into a coffee table...................Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
8) I think you need a face lift...................Chin Tu Fat
9) It is very dark in here........................Wao So Dim
10) I thought you were on a diet..................Wai Yu Mun Ching
11) This is a tow away zone.......................No Pah King
12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week........Wai Yu Kum Nao
13) Staying out of sight..........................Lei ing Lo
14) He is cleaning his automobile.................Wa Shing Ka
15) That is not right.............................Sum Ting Wong
16) Your body odour is offensive..................Yu Stin Ki Pu

HER DIARY
=========
All day and all night he was acting weird. We had made plans to
meet at a cafe for coffee. I was shopping with my friends all day
long and I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late.
But he didn't say anything.

Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere
quiet to talk. He agreed but he kept quiet. I asked him what was
wrong - he said, "Nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he
was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.

On the way home I told him that I loved him. He simply smiled and
kept driving. I can't explain his behaviour; I don't know why he
didn't say, "I love you too."

When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted
nothing to do with me any more. He just sat there and watched TV.
He seemed distant and absent.

Finally, I decided to go to bed. About ten minutes later he came
to bed. I thought, perhaps, a little intimacy might open him up,
so I made the first move. That worked, and we made love. When we
were finished, I was sure he would open up and talk to me. But,
no, nothing! I couldn't take it any more, so I confronted him with
the situation. But he had fallen asleep! I started crying and cried
until I, too, finally fell asleep.

I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are
with someone else. My life is a disaster.


HIS DIARY
=========
Chelsea Beat the United again today.
DAMN IT!!!!! Got laid, though.