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Michelle From Hell (1)
44 years old Houston, Texas, United States

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For my dad - BILL NARUM

Blog Created: Friday, November 18, 2011 9:55:44 AM
Blog Views: 129

A moment of sadness/remembrance
Journal Entry | 8 minutes ago

For my bio-dad. Turns out I do mourn him. When I was younger I swore his death would probably not have a very profound affect on me because of my desertion issues with him had built a huge resentment entangled wall around my heart. I could have not been more wrong. I miss him deeply.

The last few years of his life we'd worked very hard on getting closer. The beauty of us both appreciating email/the Net. I still even have the last one he wrote me even though it's a one liner - "Miss you kid" - type note. [My regret was I didn't respond before he died. My sister is guilty of the same sin too. Sad huh? One of the few memories we share about him.]

Today on FBook one of his friends shared a u-tube video from ZZTop with one of my dad's covers for the art. His post said, "We miss our friend." I went to the page, listened to the wonderful song and then followed a link to another page that had the whole ZZTop collection with pages for each album. On a few my dad was given credit for this post as the artist or art director, but not on most of the early ones.

This was a problem for him with them the whole time they worked together. It was one reason he stopped doing their art at one time. Knowing this, I wrote corrections for each one I recognized. When it asked where you got this information I was proud to write, "I am his daughter and was there for the creation of this piece."

Looking at this section of his body of work reminded me how fucking talented he was. So much ability. Such a gift. I can only dream of having half of what he was blessed with but also see how much of it was passed to my kids. [My biggest gift from him was what he taught me about being a muse.]

I just started crying my eyes out when it all hit me. My daughter came out of her room [ours is next to hers now that we have shifted the house again] and asked why I was in tears. I told her I was thinking about Poppa Bill and just got sad that's all. We hugged and I said I know she understands how it feels since she lost her dad too. We talked about it being worse because so much was left unfinished for both of us in regards to them. It was a lovely moment, sad but lovely.

When he passed many people didn't even know I or my sister existed. They had never seen us with our father. Some of the others who did know where not as supportive as either of us had expected when we were left with the issues regarding the final girlfriend. I still have some major anger and probably will never return to Austin because of it, but it never changed how much I loved my dad. [And has taught me what an amazingly strong and admirable sister I have!]

He knew all my truths and supported all my choices. He periodically tried to offer me help, a shoulder to cry on and even a job or two while trying to get me to relocate closer to him. I wish I had been a stronger person and taken him up on some of those offers, but i knew Austin would never be more than a party town for me and would prevent me from being a good mother had we moved there when he asked. We had plans to live on his land and have me take care of him as he aged out there while painting together that obviously fell apart at his death. i really wanted those years. I had plans for the time to make up for all the years we had lost.

But dreams change. Now I am only left with my memories, a few pieces of his art and an emptiness in my heart. The least I could do was get him credit on some stupid website for his accomplishments. I still love and miss him so much, but there is little more I can do about it but help when I can.

Death to me = powerlessness. I have no control over it. I can't change it. I can only accept when it takes it's tolls on me. Not my favorite position to be in, but one I have to live with.

Dear Bill Narum: Your daughters loved you - each in a very special way. You absence is felt often. I wish your grand kids could have known you better and the world too. Not only were you a creative genius, but a special human being overall. May the four winds keep your energy cycling the earth and may you never be forgotten - Love your eldest child, M

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